Paranormal Primary Care

So I spend a lot of time talking to people about how to stay healthy, and making sure my patients are up to date on vaccines and colonoscopies and stuff.

What about the Paranormal Primary Care doctor? What does she have to deal with? Here are a list of questions she commonly asks her patients.

1. Are you living with a deceased person?
a) if YES, do they still speak to you?
b) if still YES, then can others hear them?
c) if NO, then please stop by our psychiatric clinic before continuing.

2. Are you deceased?
a) If yes, skip to question 3
b) If no, skip to question 6

3. Please indicate your personal type of undead.
Vampire    Ghost    Poltergeist    Zombie      Mummy    Frankenstein    Banshee     Ghoul     Other

4. Please describe your present state of solidity. Circle one.
Solid    Airy    Transparent    Glassy     Shiny    Sparkly    Gassy     Chunky    Wispy    Bubbly

5. Do you need food? Is it animal, vegetable, mineral, human, McDonalds, ritually sacrificed animals, pure souls, or evil souls?

6. Have you been vaccinated? Which ones?
anti-god     anti-vampire     anti-garlic   anti-perspirant     anti-lucky-charm    anti-priest    anti-silver     anti-angel anti-crucifix     anti-werewolf     anti-common-cold
(if you circled the common cold, then please leave, because we know you're just making stuff up.)

7. Are you overweight, or underweight?
a) If overweight, is it because you are carrying excess souls?
b) If underweight, is it because you are missing all your flesh?

8) Are you being haunted? If yes, but if it's a relative for whom you owe money, you're on your own.

9) Do you have high blood pressure? If yes, does it boil?

10) What kind of exercise do you do on a regular basis?
Stake-Dodging       Elliptical        Biting        Writhing in torment       Yoga       Chain-rustling     Whoooing        Disappearing      Weight Lifting         ShapeShifting        Hunting Happy Souls     Teleportation         Telekinesis         Zumba       Transmogrification        Black Cat Avoidance     Stalking Hormonal and Oblivious Teens

There you go. Some basic Paranormal Primary Care questions.

Now go open your own clinic! (At your own risk! Most insurance companies won't work with you, FYI.)