Thursday, August 23, 2012

Paranormal Primary Care


So I spend a lot of time talking to people about how to stay healthy, and making sure my patients are up to date on vaccines and colonoscopies and stuff.

What about the Paranormal Primary Care doctor? What does she have to deal with? Here are a list of questions she commonly asks her patients.

1. Are you living with a deceased person?
a) if YES, do they still speak to you?
b) if still YES, then can others hear them?
c) if NO, then please stop by our psychiatric clinic before continuing.

2. Are you deceased?
a) If yes, skip to question 3
b) If no, skip to question 6

3. Please indicate your personal type of undead.
Vampire    Ghost    Poltergeist    Zombie      Mummy    Frankenstein    Banshee     Ghoul     Other

4. Please describe your present state of solidity. Circle one.
Solid    Airy    Transparent    Glassy     Shiny    Sparkly    Gassy     Chunky    Wispy    Bubbly

5. Do you need food? Is it animal, vegetable, mineral, human, McDonalds, ritually sacrificed animals, pure souls, or evil souls?

6. Have you been vaccinated? Which ones?
anti-god     anti-vampire     anti-garlic   anti-perspirant     anti-lucky-charm    anti-priest    anti-silver     anti-angel anti-crucifix     anti-werewolf     anti-common-cold
(if you circled the common cold, then please leave, because we know you're just making stuff up.)

7. Are you overweight, or underweight?
a) If overweight, is it because you are carrying excess souls?
b) If underweight, is it because you are missing all your flesh?

8) Are you being haunted? If yes, but if it's a relative for whom you owe money, you're on your own.

9) Do you have high blood pressure?
If yes, does it boil?

10) What kind of exercise do you do on a regular basis?

Stake-Dodging       Elliptical        Biting        Writhing in torment       Yoga       Chain-rustling     Whoooing        Disappearing      Weight Lifting         ShapeShifting        Hunting Happy Souls     Teleportation         Telekinesis         Zumba       Transmogrification        Black Cat Avoidance     Stalking Hormonal and Oblivious Teens

There you go. Some basic Paranormal Primary Care questions.

Now go open your own clinic! (At your own risk! Most insurance companies won't work with you, FYI.)

38 comments:

Katja Weinert said...

Dang, that insurance, I'm sure I could have been a contender...lack of medical expertise isn't a problem right?

Shelly said...

Ha! This actually made me laugh out loud~

Dianne K. Salerni said...

Ha, ha, ha ... But as in intake questionnaire, it's rather short. Where's the lengthy list of conditions I've never heard of, which relatives have had them (and where on their body ...)?

Maybe it's because this is before I had my coffee this morning, but when I read the title of your post I didn't think of primary care physician (although I know you're a doctor) but primary as in preschool.

Imagine a paranormal daycare center. Now there's a novel in there, too, somewhere.

Connie Keller said...

Loved this. Thanks for sharing.

(BTW, Dianne, your idea of a paranormal daycare is hilarious.)

walk2write said...

Laughter is the best medicine! You sure gave me a chuckle this morning. I hope you share this post with your patients.

Amie Borst said...

OMG - that was HYSTERICAL! Loved it!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That was hilarious!!

B.E. Sanderson said...

ROFL, that was awesome. Thanks. =o)

Nick Wilford said...

Brilliant. I liked the haunting question particularly!

Old Kitty said...

LOL!!!! It's nice to know the Undead are cared for too! LOL! Take care
x

Em-Musing said...

BWAH HAHAHAHA! Wickedly funny!

shelly said...

I loved this. Very Funny!

Hugs and chocolate,
Shelly

Jemi Fraser said...

Love it! The vaccinations were my favourites :)

Barbara Watson said...

Hhaaa! Love this.

Roland D. Yeomans said...

This was truly hilarious. Thank you, Lydia. I needed the laugh. Victor's ghoul friend, Alice, was even amused! :-)

Meredith said...

Ha, I love it! That would make for a great story. :)

The Golden Eagle said...

LOL.

Though now I can't get the image of vampires doing Zumba out of my head.

Cynthia Chapman Willis said...

Boiling high blood pressure! Too funny. I'd love to see a nurse's face as she reads those numbers. : ) Thanks for the laugh. : )

Deb Salisbury said...

LOL! That was hilarious!

Carrie Butler said...

Hah! I love it. :D

A Lady's Life said...

That was funny lol

Carol Kilgore said...

LOL! I love this. I have an instant image of this clinic - waiting room and exam areas :)

Kelly Polark said...

Ha! Thank goodness I don't need one. I am a major chicken!

Carol Riggs said...

Heheee, very imaginative and clever, Lydia! I'm amused. (LOL on Stalking Hormonal and Oblivious Teens) Love your perfect drawing to go along with this, too, the bat wings and skull and all. ;o)

Liza said...

Laughing...and I don't even read paranormal as a rule...

Krispy said...

Fantastic questions and such a cute, brilliant post!

Jay Noel said...

Hillarous!

Love the relative that owes your money bit.

alexia said...

This rocks!! Black cat avoidance - LOL :)

Rachna Chhabria said...

I love this post. I badly needed that laugh. Thanks, Lydia.

lbdiamond said...

HAHAHAHA!!!! LOVE THIS!

E. Arroyo said...

lol. Love this.

February Grace said...

Brilliant!

Talli Roland said...

This was great! Thanks for the giggle, Lydia. Hope you're having a good weekend!

mshatch said...

Loved this! I can see an entire series of books from this one post. It could be like a paranormal HOUSE.

Catherine Stine said...

Funniest post I've read in ages.

Romance Reader said...

Haha! Hilarious! So funny!

Riya

Leslie S. Rose said...

Thanks for a yummy giggle.

Jenny Woolf said...

Haha! And I love the logo at the top!

 
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