Thursday, August 23, 2012
Paranormal Primary Care
So I spend a lot of time talking to people about how to stay healthy, and making sure my patients are up to date on vaccines and colonoscopies and stuff.
What about the Paranormal Primary Care doctor? What does she have to deal with? Here are a list of questions she commonly asks her patients.
1. Are you living with a deceased person?
a) if YES, do they still speak to you?
b) if still YES, then can others hear them?
c) if NO, then please stop by our psychiatric clinic before continuing.
2. Are you deceased?
a) If yes, skip to question 3
b) If no, skip to question 6
3. Please indicate your personal type of undead.
Vampire Ghost Poltergeist Zombie Mummy Frankenstein Banshee Ghoul Other
4. Please describe your present state of solidity. Circle one.
Solid Airy Transparent Glassy Shiny Sparkly Gassy Chunky Wispy Bubbly
5. Do you need food? Is it animal, vegetable, mineral, human, McDonalds, ritually sacrificed animals, pure souls, or evil souls?
6. Have you been vaccinated? Which ones?
anti-god anti-vampire anti-garlic anti-perspirant anti-lucky-charm anti-priest anti-silver anti-angel anti-crucifix anti-werewolf anti-common-cold
(if you circled the common cold, then please leave, because we know you're just making stuff up.)
7. Are you overweight, or underweight?
a) If overweight, is it because you are carrying excess souls?
b) If underweight, is it because you are missing all your flesh?
8) Are you being haunted? If yes, but if it's a relative for whom you owe money, you're on your own.
9) Do you have high blood pressure? If yes, does it boil?
10) What kind of exercise do you do on a regular basis?
Stake-Dodging Elliptical Biting Writhing in torment Yoga Chain-rustling Whoooing Disappearing Weight Lifting ShapeShifting Hunting Happy Souls Teleportation Telekinesis Zumba Transmogrification Black Cat Avoidance Stalking Hormonal and Oblivious Teens
There you go. Some basic Paranormal Primary Care questions.
Now go open your own clinic! (At your own risk! Most insurance companies won't work with you, FYI.)